Why is it like this?

I’m always curious about what lies behind the patterns of behaviour that show up in my coaching work. One of the most common issues that arises when coaching working mums is one of overwhelm; as well as striving for success professionally, women are also typically responsible for running a successful household and ensuring family life runs smoothly.  In today’s increasingly ‘equal’ society, why is this the case?  

In Jonathan Haidt’s insightful book “The Anxious Generation” exploring the impact of the decline of free-play in childhood and the rise of smartphone usage in adolescents on mental health (another fascinating topic in its own right), he asserts that whilst girls and boys are psychologically similar in most ways, there are some gender differences that show up across cultures and eras that may start to explain some of these ingrained behavioural patterns. One such difference relates to motives and the distinction between agency – “striving to individuate and expand the self” – and communion – “striving to integrate the self into a larger social unit through caring for others”. Researchers have found that boys tend to be more focused on ‘agency’ strivings, whilst girls focus more on communion. Girls are developing qualities such as benevolence, cooperativeness, and empathy from an early age, which they take with them into adulthood.

Gemma Hartley, author of “Fed Up”, takes this argument forward. She describes her own experiences growing up and how she had been socially conditioned to think one step ahead, to anticipate the needs of those around her and care deeply about them, highlighting this very idea of ‘communion’ striving. Hartley defines the often-invisible, unnoticed work that women do as ‘emotional labour’ and claims that the idea of emotional labour as women’s work is still pervasive in modern society. Whilst women have been told to shoot for the stars when it comes to their careers, they have not been relieved of any of the emotional labour that awaits them when they return home. Hence this double whammy of professional and personal pressure that women often feel.

Exploring concepts such as these gives us clues about what we need to change – as individuals and as society more broadly – if we are to help re-balance ourselves and our lives. Emotional labour is of huge value, but we must show ourselves we value it by putting strong boundaries around it. What steps can you take to make sure it serves you as much it serves those around you?